Shiritai n'Da
by Kara Kasai
Summary: TAKARI: He has been restless - he can only think of her. He isn't familiar with this new feeling, but he knows that it's right, yet he doesn't want their relationship to be broken; all he wants is for her to be happy. That's it.


**Shiritain Da**

By Takaishi Takeru

Sometimes I remember little things from the younger part of my childhood, things that aren't . . .important, but . . .they are. This may not make sense, but it does to me. They're sentiments, just little things. Maybe I could have changed things, but in a more critical perspective, I couldn't have. I was only a little kid, careless and bright and full of hope every single day. Heck, the only sad days that I had had were when mom and dad divorced, Yamato left me alone, Angemon died, etcetera. 

I didn't know a whole lot back then. Maybe I was a bit oblivious of things here and there, with a few rough spots, but now I know something I never knew before. I mean, it shouldn't have happened, but . . .it did, and nothing can change that. How could I have? It was the strangest feeling, the first time I realised. I felt warm and safe and happy, but . . .it was almost painful at the same time. How ironic: painful love. They say love is warm and fuzzy, but it can be exactly opposite, especially when the one you love doesn't love you but somebody else. If you really love somebody, however, you let her go and go on with life, thinking back on it, but I'm still young and can't do that.

Why did I like her? 

She was nice, friendly, sweet – she was everything. Of course, at that time, I thought I liked her in a way that was such the possible: she was my best friend. Oh, I never had had too many super close friends through my life. They all came and go, me drifting off like a nomad, some stayed but never kept in touch . . .all the same. Yet she remembered. She remembered me, after three long years. I never would have thought that, but she did, even though I had changed by so much. Not only was I taller, but also I was more realistic about things.

Of course, it's impossible to fall in love with your best friend. God, I don't know where the mix-up had happened, but it had, and wouldn't change. The only thing I could think about was her, on my mind all the time. And of course my mind rebelled with the thought, _I'm getting just as bad as Dai!_ Maybe it was true, but I didn't try to tell. 

Nobody guessed my secret. Nobody ever would. Now, I can't hold the secret much longer. Maybe if she at least knew how I felt, it would lessen the pain. Maybe her knowingness would ease my troubled heart. Whoever said love was fun? It's the least of fun, and love at first sight only happens in romance novels. Perfect romances never existed in my world.

We had always been together, since we were little. Back then, I was different. Kari and I were practically opposite, but not quite. We were always together – I looked out for her, yet she was so far away. We hadn't been very close in the beginning, but we got closer. We were innocent, young, and wild. I know I shouldn't have cared to look out for her except for that one time, but I took the vow very seriously, and carried it on even later. And I had never known it would end up like this. Never.

Whenever I am attentive – in class, at home, wherever – I think of her. It's always an obstacle that's always there, but I never seem to get there. It's always so far away from where I am, but when I get there, I know I have to climb a mountain to get to my final destination. The thing that keeps me going is the thought that maybe, just maybe, she's in love with me. Maybe her heart is focused on me . . .maybe, her heart meets mine in thoughts . . .or just maybe, she loves somebody else . . .

I remember the summer in New York, but that was nothing. The only reason was to get Dai off her back and jealous – that made her happy, real happy. I was happy because I got to spend some quality time with her, without Dai and Miyako and Iori – just about everybody. Of course, our vacation was interrupted by Wallace and the Digimon affair, but what really shocked me was when he kissed her . . .It really annoyed me and shocked me, but . . .Dai got there first to nagging Wallace. I didn't say anything about it, but she was blushing hard. 

I also remember the darker days, when the Deep Ones took her. I was her hero, ironically. Damsel in distress, her prince saving her – not exactly. More like a Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, that's it. Sure, she kissed me . . . I can't say much about the kiss, but . . .it was light, sweet, nice, friendly – everything she was. After that, everything went back to the same, and my sudden new hope almost vanished, but not quite, because I still liked her.

I know I can't say this very well, but the second time she went to the World of Darkness . . .well, she didn't need her best friend anymore. She had another friend who helped her – Miyako of course, but . . .I realised that she wasn't the little girl I used to know, the one that was crying, the one I laughed and ran with, the one I couldn't relate to too much, the one I couldn't reach. She was growing up to a young woman, and that made me feel left behind. Of course, I as well was growing up, but we weren't together like we used to be. We began to drift apart occasionally, come back again, smile, and be the best of friends again. 

. . .But, I still can't help but wonder if she's in love with me. I would never ask her, but I wonder. I want to tell her this, but something is always stopping me. It seems that I'm farther from her now than I ever was before, all because of the question haunting me. I know it may seem silly to be falling in love with somebody you've known all your life, but it feels . . .so right and good, and . . .even painful. 

Sometimes the right person can be right in front of your eyes and you never know it. I want to tell her, but something stops me. I mean, I don't want to change our friendship because if she doesn't like me back, I know it would hurt her to know I like her in a way she would never. I don't want to lose my best friend in the process . . .and once I cross the line, I can't look back or turn around. I can only go . . .forward.

It's impossible to stall forever, but I'm trying to stall for as long as I can. I don't want to break our friendship to tiny shards of glass. I just want to keep one last thing . . .even if we can't be. And I also want to know whom she really loves, because the not knowing is killing me. Maybe if I wish upon a star, she'll tell me whom she loves. I want to know; because she's my best friend, because I love her . . .because she's Yagami Hikari and I want her to be happy . . .I want her to know I care. 

_Shiritain da._


End file.
